I would (and likely will) sacrifice my first-born for the new Pokemon starters

Life comes at you fast. Here I was, calmly planning out the launch window for my new website.

Aiming for sometime in mid- to late-March, I figured, would allow me enough time to work out all of the rough edges and get the site at least halfway presentable.

Then, the Pokemon Company went on the offensive.

As part of the Pokemon Day proceedings, they unveiled the upcoming ninth generation for the mainline franchise, and with them, a trio of starters so instantly loveable, I have subconsciously made them all my collective bride.

So now EZIYODA has to go live. Immediately. Whatever incomplete graphics, broken links or stray pornography that still remain must be dealt with later. Fix it in post, you asshole, there’s ‘mons to gush about, and gush I will.

Listed in inverse order of perfection from bright-eyed admiration to flailing, hardened squeeness, I present to you, the starter Pokemon for Pokemon Scarlet and Pokemon Violet.

That last line was totally necessary for SEO, by the way.

3. Quaxly, whose hair looks like an inappropriate slime from Dragon Quest

Someone’s in the shower with ducky!

There’s a whole lot to take in here, despite the limited information given. At face value, we’ve got a duck with a pompadour, but underneath that, we’ve got a duck with a pompadour who is potentially anal-retentive. Stick that in your pipe and consider its abstract implications!

Described as being ‘tidy and earnest’, Quaxly sounds less like a Pokemon and more like an advertisement for an easygoing housemate. When I was first alerted to these new critters, this was the one that most made me want to double check my sources to verify its legitimacy.

But it is real, and it is coming, oh lord is it coming. The first avian water starter since gen 4’s Piplup, its defiant pose belies its humble nature. Will it follow the webbed footsteps of its predecessor, who would go on to evolve into a fashionable gentleman? Or, pivoting slightly towards the more recent grass owl starter, Rowlet, one may note that it too would adorn an outfit of its own. In its case, it opted for a smelly hoodie, suggesting that its career ambition was squandered by its entitled upbringing.

The safe money, then, would suggest that Quaxly will fall somewhere in the middle, sporting business casual attire that is trendy yet comfortable. Like every venture capitalist, especially ones who are ducks or duck adjacent (such as Marc Andreessen, who is literally an egg).

2. Fuecoco, whose name sounds like a sweet Mexican beverage

“Lemme nibble on your elbow for a hot second.”

Look at that face. That goddamn face, filled with such cherubic optimism.

“A birthday present for me?” Fuecoco muses, gesturing towards himself in confused glee. “It’s not even my birthday, but I shall accept. Oh, I do hope it is filled with bitcoin!”

Foolish child. Bitcoin is not a tangible item, it cannot be packed into present form. But I digress, or alternatively, never established a coherent point to begin with.

This laidback fire croc Pokemon elects to do things at its own pace in a matter not dissimilar to Seth Rogen or Joe Biden. It has an award winning smile, and a Grammy nomination for best immersive audio album.

As far as lineage goes, its direct competitor is obviously Totodile of Johto fame. Its fully evolved form, Feraligatr, strikes a threatening, buff visage with its swimmers’ build and buns of steel.

Simply repurposing this design into an incandescent variant would be lacking in creativity, so perhaps the final destination for Fuecoco is to become an absolute unit of pure chonk. I’m talking dummy thick lizard folds, the kind that the Pokedex could claim it ‘uses to maintain its incredibly high temperatures’.

Nah, bro just likes his snacks, but thanks for the science.

1. Sprigatito, who you will accept as your lord and saviour, you fucking heathen

“Daddy loves me best! Back to the basement, Quaxly.”

Had it not been for this little bundle of fluff right here, I probably could have held off rushing a woefully unprepared gaming website into the world. Alas, I inexplicably decided to name said website after my cat, and as such, the branding mandated that I talk about Sprigatito.

It is known for being capricious and attention-seeking, and as such, it reminds me closely of my youngest kitten, Lafayette. Not quite so much visually, however, because we have concluded that she was in fact modelled after Mewtwo.

Of course, as any enthusiast for mammalian starters will tell you, the true test will be when the fully evolved form has been revealed. Those who are seeking an elegant, svelte feline in the vein of Persian or Liepard need temper their expectations, because Game Freak have made it their life’s goal to bait and switch.

Tepig? Greasy boar warlord. Scorbunny? Soccer-playing asshat. Fennekin? Sexy fox wizard. I repeat, sexy fox wizard.

And then, of course, there’s Litten, who could have been the most snuggly fully evolved starter of all, had it not decided to go down the dark path of professional wrestling. There’s not even a joke to be made here, as that is a completely accurate description of Incineroar.

The consistent issue here, is that all of these starters were fire Pokemon, whereas Sprigatito belongs to the vastly superior grass-typing. For this reason and this reason alone, I am staking my reputation on the claim that it will not metamorphose into a bipedal, anthropomorphic otherkin.

I can do this because I a) am feeling quite confident and b) have no actual reputation to jeopardise in the first place. You heard it here first (and potentially last).

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