If you’ve been browsing this website long enough, you should by now have at least a passing knowledge of my cat, Eziyoda. The viewcount would suggest that you haven’t been browsing this website for long enough, so allow me to elaborate.
He is one of my three beautiful and perfect kittens, not even a year old and yet already an absolute unit. He likes chicken, sitting on top of the dryer, and political satire.
Something that I can’t shake, however, is this sense of familiarity that dwells within his eyes. It’s as if I’ve met him somewhere, long ago, before he was even born. He’s got quite the stare, you see, and one can get lost in those amber eyes.
Then, it hit me — Eziyoda is, in actual fact, Bill Murray.
It’s a hard sell at first, but allow me to elaborate. I’ll even present the counterpoints to this argument, in order to better emphasise just how much thought I’ve given this.
For: He looks like Bill Murray
This should be the end of the discussion here, really, but I’ll extrapolate a little in the interest of thorough journalism (and word count minimum).
Bill Murray’s default expression is that of weary nonchalance. Not in a mean-spirited or unpleasant way, just as if he would rather be somewhere else, and is strongly considering taking an abrupt nap there on the spot.
This much is true of Ezi, who is practically incapable of excitement. Whether he has a delicious meal in front of him, or a new toy to enjoy, he will leer at it with pure apathy. Sometimes I wonder if he’s depressed, but it’s hard to find a reasonably priced cat psychiatrist to give an analysis (worse still, they mostly just say ‘meow’).
With their identical mien, you’d almost be excused for mixing them up in the street. I say almost, because there is no ‘mixing up’ to be done. They are one and the same.
Against: Bill Murray is Bill Murray
The first hurdle I had to come to grips with in this process, and a tricky bit of business overall.
I cannot deny that, by most accounts, Bill Murray himself is already Bill Murray. There’s an armful of interviews and press releases that claim as much, and I have to assume that they would have done some cursory research prior to making such allegations.
With that said, Ezi has not yet given any indication that he is not Bill Murray, and as per the various other points I shall posit, he offers nothing but overwhelming evidence to substantiate my belief.
Additionally, I ask you this: have you ever seen Ezi and Bill Murray in the same room? I most certainly haven’t, and I spend ten hours a day with this cat. Odds are strong that, in my absence, he nips off to hobnob with the Hollywood elite to keep up appearances. As long as he’s back on his favourite cushion by the time I walk through that door, I’ll be none the wiser. Or, if I ever enter the clergy — nun the wiser.
For: He is funny like Bill Murray
Hahaha! Silly Ezi! Just now, he chittered away while batting at a moth, before focussing his fury on an unlikely target: his own tail.
This is top shelf slapstick right here, he’s so incredibly witty and pithy. His japes are of a standard that others would aspire to someday achieve. Who does that sound like? That’s right… Bill Murray.
Whether it was as Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters or as Bill Murray in Zombieland, Bill Murray has been delighting audiences worldwide for decades. Not to be outdone, his turn as Ezi the cat also leaves fans clutching their sides like Jill Valentine when she’s taken too much damage in Resident Evil (incidentally, you should probably read my RE Remake anniversary piece if you want to reaffirm any faith that I’m even a journalist).
Against: He is not wealthy like Bill Murray
Despite possessing a net worth of nearly $200 million, Bill Murray has not paid a single one of our household bills. He won’t even fork out a tenner for the tuna pate he enjoys so much.
Sometimes it makes me so damned mad I just want to shake him down to see if his hoarded riches fall right from his fuzzy little pockets. A wise man once told me, however, that shaking a cat is never a good idea. Thank you for the solid advice, Senior Constable Krul, I will try my hardest to attend my court date this July.
If I am somehow mistaken in my assertion that my cat is Bill Murray, then I’m laying false blame on poor Ezi. For all I know, he’s just barely scraping by on minimum wage.
With that said, the more likely scenario is that he is merely being cautious, and not flashing his wealth without just cause. I’ve only known him for about six months, after all, perhaps he does not yet trust me enough to open his purse strings.
I hope he comes around soon, these debt collectors are starting to use red font in their emails and that’s quite upsetting.
For: I refuse to believe otherwise until Bill Murray himself denies it
This is where the buck stops. As aforementioned, Ezi stays mum on his true identity, so until Bill Murray officially denies that he is Ezi, I will simply believe it to be fact.
Unfortunately, I was unable to reach out to Bill Murray for comment, as he is only contactable by fax, and at this fledgling juncture of my career, I do not presently have access to those details. I definitely tried, though, by sending out three faxes to random numbers with a large picture of Ezi and a heading that reads ‘is this you?’
It’s possible that Bill Murray was one of the recipients of this fax message, and is currently mulling over his options. Should he respond, I will be sure to update this article, but until such time, Robert Stack would call this mystery unsolved.
At least, he told me he was Robert Stack when I let him into my house a few hours ago. I should probably check on him, and see if he needs help inspecting my valuables. It’s been a busy, busy, busy day!