EZIYODA

A post on a Saturday? Are you fucking kidding me?

This is an anomaly. A cause for suspicion. A perverse indication that something is not right with the world. By all rights I should still be asleep at this time, followed by a peaceful day of hungover anguish.

Alas, Clive Palmer done fucked up my weekend.

I do not consider myself to be a political savant by any stretch of the imagination. My preferred party is Pirate Party Australia, due wholly in part to their values most closely coinciding with my own. That being said, I then have to bear the indignation of being the guy who voted for the political group that named themselves after fucking pirates.

Upon voting today, I did not spot the Pirate Party present anywhere. What I did see, however, was a repugnant sea of piss-yellow propaganda pedlars who were overly eager to brandish their unique brand of conspiratorial tripe upon me. Needless to say, our views align no better than Palmer’s upper row of weasel teeth.

Some weeks ago, a United Australia Party flunky attempted to tell me that COVID-19 had been proven to be an overblown hoax. He referred to his proof, ‘the science’, and then proceeded to shout over me when I asked for further clarification.

“Don’t you want the freedom of speech, the freedom to think for yourselves?” he called to passersby, ignoring the fact that he was denying me those same liberties.

It grew awkward. We both laughed. It was kind of a nice moment by the end.

Regardless, with millions of people across the nation now submitting their ballots, I felt it was my duty to guide the last-minute stragglers on how best to vote. Some may feel tempted to peruse those flaxen pamphlets of sinister lies, but I assure you, there are better options out there, and today, I shall share them with you.

Alternatively, just do what Dennis the Election Koala tells you. I’m not even kidding, this is the kind of shit that can save the country from uninformed idiots like myself.

Shadaloo

Platform: Ultimate control and subjugation of the entire planet

A vote for Bison is a vote for certainty. Through clever market research, he was able to build his empire, providing goods and services that stimulated the economy. Drug trafficking and arms dealing were chief among them, but I like to think he also funded at least six community gardens and one good-natured plaque.

Should he come into power, he will rule with an iron fist. The weak will be crushed underfoot, and those who oppose him will be made into grisly examples. Other than being nefarious, his ultimate goals are up for interpretation, though they may involve biochemicals and/or mind control.

Do you know what that sounds like to me? A man of science, unafraid to take risks to progress/destroy humanity. He’s also very tall and muscular, with a proclivity for driving his boots directly into the chests of his opponents, and I simp for shit like that. Psycho crush me, daddy.

Weyland-Yutani

Platform: Scientific advancement, with some necessary minor sacrifices (you)

The price of ambition is limited only by the bounds of one’s own decency. In the case of Weyland-Yutani, they know an opportunity when they see it, and they have deep pockets to accommodate pursuit of said opportunity. These pockets are filled with ample funds and trivial human lives, neither of which are recommended to carry with you for any lengthy period of time.

I keep my funds and humans in the bank, personally. It comes with its own risks, but I can’t afford a safe at this present time.

Their modem operandi involves procuring and weaponising deadly alien races, and I simply fail to see how that could possibly go wrong. Imagine an army of soldiers who don’t need guns at all, they just bleed acid all over any who would cross their paths. It’s the worst nightmare of every misogynist who is still frightened of periods, and it’s coming for you, Nick fucking Fuentes.

Omni Consumer Products (OCP)

Platform: Cybernetic crimefighting, sensible budgeting

Feel a bit wary about relying on something as uncertain as alien organisms? Never fear, because OCP have cornered the market on synthetic alternatives. That makes it sound like they make blow-up dolls, and you know what? I’d buy that for a dollar.

OCP are famed for their line of groundbreaking robotic law enforcement units. Their prized unit, former police officer Alex Murphy, was seamlessly repurposed into the android crimefighter RoboCop. He can take down hordes of criminals, even shrugging off explosions from time to time. He thinks the moon is beautiful, and you are too.

Their later expansions into the market were not quite as successful, with one such instance, RoboCop 2, turning violent and mowing down a room of potential investors. We can only pray that they were still allocated their CPD points for attending.

Umbrella Corporation

Platform: Just lots of fucking zombies, I think

Chemistry is fun! Did you ever do the one where you make the volcano bubble up? I put red food dye in it for extra effect. Then I cried myself to sleep as it dawned on me that my life had peaked at the tender age of seven.

Umbrella Corporation have taken this notion to the next step, producing pretty much any kind of scientific product you could come up with on a dreary Thursday afternoon. Health food, cosmetics, chemicals… Their bread and butter, however, was in the pharmaceutical market, where they were able to introduce the T-Virus to excited consumers around the globe.

Said virus actually ended up transforming the majority of the populace into flesh-eating zombies, which is something of a bummer for the most part, but you know what? It’s thanks to their hubris that I was able to bring the world my Resident Evil streams, and that truly makes the whole thing worthwhile.

Not impressed by my shameless self-promotion? Fuck you, this is literally an article about evil corporations, this is the exact time to do it.

Have fun, Australia, and don’t waste your vote. Put United Australia Party last to ensure that she’ll be right, mate.