Not too long ago, I flaunted my presumed strength of constitution while declaring that the coronavirus was something that ‘happened to other people’. Fast forward one month, and I am now recovering from the infection myself. This is despite my best efforts to be responsible, and as such, I must place the blame solely on humanity. Filthy, nasty humanity. Oh, I hate it so.

With that being said, I am still a journalist at heart (levelheaded and rational). I took this not as a setback, but a learning opportunity; one that I could use to guide the scant few remaining who had not experienced the pandemic firsthand. And so, I present to you my personal account of COVID-19.

Gameplay

Mediocre and repetitive. The majority of time is spent in bed, coughing up mucous of various colours and flavours. A rapidly increasing temperature causes a sense of delirium that can be exhilarating at first, but ultimately results in passing out. A missed opportunity for sure, as I would have liked to have tried exploring this facet in greater detail.

The most noteworthy aspect, at least for me: my body ached, and when I sneezed, it felt like my lungs were on fire. It was in these moments that I felt the fullest effects of my brief illness, as I would otherwise become desensitised to the ‘new normal’ of general fatigue.

Once the major symptoms passed not even three days later, the only remaining feature was a tension headache that lingered on for the rest of the week. This was my least favourite part of what was already a trying time, and worse still, it prevented consumption of alcohol. A wise man in Mexico once advised that the best way to kill poison was with more poison, and I was saddened that I could not put this into practice here. He also tried to sell me cocaine. I liked him a lot.

COVID does offer multiplayer, as I managed to pass it onto my father. He did not seem to enjoy it much more than I did.

Graphics and Sound

Aesthetically, COVID-19 disappoints even more. A soundtrack consisting of a cacophony of coughs and groans, and nothing more than the pale walls of the aforementioned bedroom to gaze upon.

It does have some highlights, chiefly when I elected to turn on the Nintendo Switch and play some Fire Emblem: Three Houses to pass the time. That sure looks nice, although it carries the caveat that Edelgard will likely rear her ugly pretty yet dastardly head.

At the very least, some effort has been put into the 4D effects, and you’ll be treated to a myriad of spots dancing before your eyes each time you awaken. Sometimes you’ll even sneeze on yourself, complete with a cheeky spray of water. Great photo opportunity!

Lastability

The amount of traction you’ll get from your COVID-19 session depends on the strength of your infection, and your reluctance to return to the office. In my case, though I felt fine after the first week, the follow-up test still yielded an angry red line.

I wanted to keep society safe, so I stayed home for an additional week. You’re welcome, Melbourne, I might have saved some lives with that sacrifice.

Afterwards, I haven’t noticed any significant lasting effects that are worth discussing. I do feel rundown and depressed, but that was true before I caught COVID, so I can’t really blame it for that.

The most fascinating aspect of the whole kerfuffle was how draining it truly was. It was a short-lived, intense period of feeling truly unwell, and I am well aware that not everyone was quite so fortunate for it to have just been that.

In the end, I would say that it has outstayed its welcome in 2022, and despite introducing new strains in a desperate attempt to reclaim headlines, it’s little more than a tired retread.

Final Verdict

Score: 1 paw print out of 5

Give this one a miss. Catching coronavirus was a mistake, and I would much rather have caught a wave, such as the Beach Boys had recommended almost sixty years ago. Topical reference, Anthony, top marks for that one.

Strengths: Two weeks without the godforsaken morning commute.

Weaknesses: Sorta messed up the whole planet there, didn’t it?