2022 is the year of 6-player Ninja Turtles and really nothing else

I don’t have a plan with this article. There’s no structure or ideas in my head, and I’m only vaguely confident that it will hit the search algorithm’s word minimum.

But I have to post, at the very command of God himself. He expressed this to me by hovering over my shoulder and whispering “goongala” before proceeding to assault me with a hockey stick.

I answer to a violent god. And his name, is Casey fucking Jones.

HE EVEN BLUSHES WHEN HE HIGH FIVES SPLINTER, GUYS. uWu

As we are all aware, this is not a news website. As critics have pointed out, it’s not really much of an anything website, and yet, I knew that I had to discuss this trailer.

Not out of any intention to garner additional traffic, of course, as it will get swallowed in the news cycle, but just because this is my peak aesthetic and I am overjoyed.

In much the same way that Elden Ring was not for me, this is exactly for me. It’s so stylish and catered to my tastes, it feels downright personalised. Here they are, gifting us with a fan favourite character, before upping the ante even further by introducing 6-player gameplay.

When I was a wee lad, the notion of four-player Bomberman sounded like some kind of wonderful dream, feasible enough and yet just out of my reach. Now, we’re living in an era of six-player Turtles.

Six-player Turtles.

Six-player Turtles.

Did I mention there was six of them?

Although I’m somewhat limited insomuch I don’t even have five friends to take advantage of this feature, I’ll make do however I can. Maybe I’ll play online. Maybe I’ll grow some extra arms. Maybe I will kidnap people off the street, putting a bag over their head and smuggling them in the trunk of my car, then demanding they play the game with the stealthy cartoon reptiles.

If they refuse, their life is at risk. If they choose Raphael before I can, their life will similarly be at risk.

There isn’t a lot I get excited about nowadays, and to be transparent with you, the lack of magic really does break my heart sometimes. Beyond my cats, announcements related to my favourite anime and actually making the slightest bit of progress in Resident Evil Zero, I ain’t got much else.

That’s why a game like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge is so important to me. The game that I am so pumped up to write about, I actually forgot to mention the title until just now (excellent SEO awareness, Tony, great job).

When the trailer shifts to the six-player content, I actually get just a little bit breathless. I’m not even being hyperbolic, though this is perhaps more indicative that I should see a cardiologist before I keel over and die.

Shredder’s Revenge releases on June 16th, but of course you already knew that, because you’re probably me and have already re-watched the trailer like ninety-seven times.

It’s made my day, and I hope it makes yours, too.

3 responses to “2022 is the year of 6-player Ninja Turtles and really nothing else”

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