Despite my occasional proclamations of being a studious young man, I will confess that I have not actually sat down and read a book in quite some time.
I legitimately cannot recall the last physical tome I have partaken of, cover to cover, leading me to suspect that the closest I came was in March of last year, when I reviewed The Monster at the End of this Book for scholarly purposes (in other words, I wanted to look at the part where it says ‘KLONK’).
Emboldened by my newfound obsession with Capcom’s seminal survival horror series, in September of 2022 I elected to pursue Itchy, Tasty: An Unofficial History of Resident Evil by Alex Aniel. Ostensibly, my intention was that I may sit down and be regaled with a behind-the-scenes look at what made this franchise so legendary.
So I registered an account with Booktopia, made my purchase, and sat eagerly by the front door like Scott Pilgrim waiting for his Amazon package. A mere day later, I was met with a confirmation email, advising me that stock would be arriving on 9 January 2023.
This perhaps was information I would have preferred to receive prior to buying this item, but I brushed it off without much thought. By the time it arrived, I may have forgotten the transaction entirely, making it akin to a nice present to myself.
When January came and went without any zombie literature from the postie, I was a tad bewildered. On 8 February, a new email landed in the inbox, informing me that the book was out of stock with the supplier until 24 February 2023.
By 1 March, I still had no book, but I did have a further email. The new ETA? 20 June 2023, by which point I figure I could have written the damn thing myself. To help pass the time, I thought I would be productive and amplify the significance of its eventual, theoretical arrival, by showcasing how much has happened in the world since I first ordered it.
So for your enjoyment, below is a brief summary of world events that have occurred since I first ordered my book on 28 September 2022. Considering the nature and tone of this article, I will not be referencing any events that resulted in widespread loss of life.
And yes, my source is Wikipedia. So please nobody mess with any world event-related pages until this fucking book arrives, for the sake of my limited integrity.
October 2022
October 2022 was a period of government upheaval, highlighted by three new world leaders: Sam Matekane secured victory as the prime minister of Lesotho on 7 October, Rishi Sunak supplanted the recently resigned Liz Truss to become the prime minister of the United Kingdom on 25 October, and Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva defeated incumbent Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro in a runoff election on 30 October. Winnie the Pooh won what I’m sure was a fair and impartial selection process to begin a third term as the paramount leader of China on 22 October.
Noted billionaire fuckhead Elon Musk completed his $44 billion acquisition of Twitter on 28 October, and quickly set about firing the majority of his staff, backing racist opinions, enabling an influx of spambots, and just generally being a knob seemingly for the fun of it.
Halloween was kind of shit this year, too, if we’re being honest.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
November 2022
A pair of political developments in the Israeli and Danish elections that I don’t really understand and cannot be bothered researching further occurred on 1 November. It involves blocs of some kind, leading me to believe their governmental bodies are ultimately decided by Lego.
NASA launched Artemis 1, the first uncrewed mission of its Space Launch System and the most powerful rocket ever to reach orbit, on 16 November. Despite this, the general public still does not care about interstellar aeronautics, nor endorse the allocation of taxpayer dollars towards its continued sustenance.
The world population reached 8 billion people on 15 November. Statistically speaking, at least 6 billion of these people are jerks.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
December 2022
The National Ignition Facility achieved fusion ignition on 5 December, an apparent milestone in the realm of nuclear fusion power. Footage of this exciting development can be found here.
Led by renowned superstar Lionel Messi, Argentina won the 2022 World Cup hosted in Qatar on 18 December. Argentina would also claim the awards for best player, best young player and best goalkeeper, while England could only rest easy with the knowledge that their play was deemed as “fair”.
SPY x FAMILY stunned the world by being anointed EZIYODA’s anime of the year for 2022, narrowly defeating the heavily favoured Chainsaw Man. In response to this indignity, Himeno-senpai sought out the Forgers in the hopes of forcibly vomiting into their mouths. At least, in my fan fiction, that’s what she does.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
January 2023
The funeral of Pope Benedict XVI was held within the Vatican City on 5 January. His papal name reminds me of a Final Fantasy title, but aesthetically, he did not wear nearly enough superfluous belt buckles to bear even a passing resemblance.
Nguyễn Xuân Phúc ducked scandal controversy by stepping down as president of Vietnam on 17 January, Christine Kangaloo was elected president of Trinidad and Tobago on 20 January, and Petr Pavel was declared winner of the Czech presidential election of 27-28 January. Sadly, Jacinda Ardern announced her resignation as New Zealand’s prime minister on 19 January. She was succeeded by Richard Hipkins six days later, who is immediately inferior by virtue of not being Jacinda Ardern.
Storied ice hockey player Bobby Hull passed away at age 84 on 30 January. His accomplishments on the ice are mere footnotes in his overall legacy, because sporting acumen aside, let’s not sugarcoat the fact that the guy was an asshole.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0, but one very much promised until well beyond the last minute.
February 2023
The US was besieged by Chinese spy balloons on 3 February, including one over Canada’s Yukon Territory. To date, this makes it the first and only entity to wilfully visit the Yukon.
The European Central Bank and Bank of England each rose their interest rates by 0.5 percent to start the month, while the US Federal Reserve rose its federal funds rate by 0.25 percent. This was apparently to combat inflation, but must not be confused with the kind of inflation that involves Chinese spy balloons.
Nikos Christodoulides won the Cypriot Presidential election on 5 February, and Bola Tinubu was elected as Nigerian president on 25 February. The Bangladeshi presidential election was initially scheduled for 19 February, but would be cancelled on 13 February due to Shahabuddin Chuppu being the only nominee and winning by default. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal, I hope that I too can someday win a contest when nobody else turns up.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0, with a further four month wait anticipated.
This brings us up to date for now, but we will update this article with more world events that occur in the time I am waiting for my delivery from Booktopia. Before you go, please consider visiting the links below for ways you can assist people who have been impacted by ongoing tragedies.
UNICEF
EZIYODA 