This article was originally published on 3 March, 2023.
Despite my occasional proclamations of being a studious young man, I will confess that I have not actually sat down and read a book in quite some time.
I legitimately cannot recall the last physical tome I have partaken of, cover to cover, leading me to suspect that the closest I came was in March of last year, when I reviewed The Monster at the End of this Book for scholarly purposes (in other words, I wanted to look at the part where it says ‘KLONK’).
Emboldened by my newfound obsession with Capcom’s seminal survival horror series, in September of 2022 I elected to pursue Itchy, Tasty: An Unofficial History of Resident Evil by Alex Aniel. Ostensibly, my intention was that I may sit down and be regaled with a behind-the-scenes look at what made this franchise so legendary.
So I registered an account with Booktopia, made my purchase, and sat eagerly by the front door like Scott Pilgrim waiting for his Amazon package. A mere day later, I was met with a confirmation email, advising me that stock would be arriving on 9 January 2023.
This perhaps was information I would have preferred to receive prior to buying this item, but I brushed it off without much thought. By the time it arrived, I may have forgotten the transaction entirely, making it akin to a nice present to myself.
When January came and went without any zombie literature from the postie, I was a tad bewildered. On 8 February, a new email landed in the inbox, informing me that the book was out of stock with the supplier until 24 February 2023.
By 1 March, I still had no book, but I did have a further email. The new ETA? 20 June 2023, by which point I figure I could have written the damn thing myself. To help pass the time, I thought I would be productive and amplify the significance of its eventual, theoretical arrival, by showcasing how much has happened in the world since I first ordered it.
So for your enjoyment, below is a brief summary of world events that have occurred since I first ordered my book on 28 September 2022. Considering the nature and tone of this article, I will not be referencing any events that resulted in widespread loss of life.
And yes, my source is Wikipedia. So please nobody mess with any world event-related pages until this fucking book arrives, for the sake of my limited integrity.
UPDATE (2 June): I have now added the events of the past three months. In theory, my order should be arriving in a few weeks, though interestingly, the website claims that the book is available “from 1 August”. Does that apply to me, I wonder? Stay tuned…
UPDATE (5 September): Well gosh, it turns out I was right, and so I would add another three months to the chronicles. Read on to see whether I ever actually receive this damned book.
October 2022
October 2022 was a period of government upheaval, highlighted by three new world leaders: Sam Matekane secured victory as the prime minister of Lesotho on 7 October, Rishi Sunak supplanted the recently resigned Liz Truss to become the prime minister of the United Kingdom on 25 October, and Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva defeated incumbent Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro in a runoff election on 30 October. Winnie the Pooh won what I’m sure was a fair and impartial selection process to begin a third term as the paramount leader of China on 22 October.
Noted billionaire fuckhead Elon Musk completed his $44 billion acquisition of Twitter on 28 October, and quickly set about firing the majority of his staff, backing racist opinions, enabling an influx of spambots, and just generally being a knob seemingly for the fun of it.
Halloween was kind of shit this year, too, if we’re being honest.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
November 2022
A pair of political developments in the Israeli and Danish elections that I don’t really understand and cannot be bothered researching further occurred on 1 November. It involves blocs of some kind, leading me to believe their governmental bodies are ultimately decided by Lego.
NASA launched Artemis 1, the first uncrewed mission of its Space Launch System and the most powerful rocket ever to reach orbit, on 16 November. Despite this, the general public still does not care about interstellar aeronautics, nor endorse the allocation of taxpayer dollars towards its continued sustenance.
The world population reached 8 billion people on 15 November. Statistically speaking, at least 6 billion of these people are jerks.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
December 2022
The National Ignition Facility achieved fusion ignition on 5 December, an apparent milestone in the realm of nuclear fusion power. Footage of this exciting development can be found here.
Led by renowned superstar Lionel Messi, Argentina won the 2022 World Cup hosted in Qatar on 18 December. Argentina would also claim the awards for best player, best young player and best goalkeeper, while England could only rest easy with the knowledge that their play was deemed as “fair”.
SPY x FAMILY stunned the world by being anointed EZIYODA’s anime of the year for 2022, narrowly defeating the heavily favoured Chainsaw Man. In response to this indignity, Himeno-senpai sought out the Forgers in the hopes of forcibly vomiting into their mouths. At least, in my fan fiction, that’s what she does.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
January 2023
The funeral of Pope Benedict XVI was held within the Vatican City on 5 January. His papal name reminds me of a Final Fantasy title, but aesthetically, he did not wear nearly enough superfluous belt buckles to bear even a passing resemblance.
Nguyễn Xuân Phúc ducked scandal controversy by stepping down as president of Vietnam on 17 January, Christine Kangaloo was elected president of Trinidad and Tobago on 20 January, and Petr Pavel was declared winner of the Czech presidential election of 27-28 January. Sadly, Jacinda Ardern announced her resignation as New Zealand’s prime minister on 19 January. She was succeeded by Richard Hipkins six days later, who is immediately inferior by virtue of not being Jacinda Ardern.
Storied ice hockey player Bobby Hull passed away at age 84 on 30 January. His accomplishments on the ice are mere footnotes in his overall legacy, because sporting acumen aside, let’s not sugarcoat the fact that the guy was an asshole.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0, but one very much promised until well beyond the last minute.
February 2023
The US was besieged by Chinese spy balloons on 3 February, including one over Canada’s Yukon Territory. To date, this makes it the first and only entity to wilfully visit the Yukon.
The European Central Bank and Bank of England each rose their interest rates by 0.5 percent to start the month, while the US Federal Reserve rose its federal funds rate by 0.25 percent. This was apparently to combat inflation, but must not be confused with the kind of inflation that involves Chinese spy balloons.
Nikos Christodoulides won the Cypriot Presidential election on 5 February, and Bola Tinubu was elected as Nigerian president on 25 February. The Bangladeshi presidential election was initially scheduled for 19 February, but would be cancelled on 13 February due to Shahabuddin Chuppu being the only nominee and winning by default. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal, I hope that I too can someday win a contest when nobody else turns up.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0, with a further four month wait anticipated.
MARCH 2023
Opening with politics, Võ Văn Thưởng was named the president of Vietnam, and Winnie the Pooh was unanimously re-elected as the President to the People’s Republic in China. I kind of thought this already happened back in October, suggesting that I understand nothing about politics.
Silicon Valley Bank crumbled into the dust on 10 March, causing worldwide turmoil and creating a scapegoat for various companies to explain their poor financial decisions. With this in mind, I too am going to blame this bank for every mistake I’ve ever made in my life, both past and upcoming.
In response to his blatant acts of genocide, an arrest warrant was issued for Russian president Vladimir Putin on behalf of the International Criminal Court. His response, I assume, was to shrug in Russian.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
APRIL 2023
On 2 April, the 2023 Montenegrin presidential election was won by Jakov Milatović of the Europe Now! movement. This makes him the first non DPS president since… wait, what? His party is called Europe Now!? Are you fucking kidding me? It sounds like a concert headlined by Eiffel 65 and Max Coveri. Now that I have implanted this idea in my brain, I really want to see this concert.
Some space stuff happened, ranging from the 14 April launch of the Jupiter Icy Moons Explorer (yes, its acronym is JUICE) in search of life of the Jovian system, to the 20 April test launch of the SpaceX Starship rocket. The latter blew up after four minutes, which is apparently something this multi-billion dollar project does a lot.
Colorado Party candidate Santiago Peña won the 2023 Paraguayan general election on 30 April in a landslide victory. Which is all well and good, but it certainly pales in comparison to my rapidly growing project, the Europe Now! concert. I have also penned in the incomparable Tony Bizarro, a somewhat controversial choice as he is both Brazilian and dead.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
MAY 2023
Not to be outdone by March’s collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, First Republic Bank failed to open the month, to be auctioned off to JPMorgan Chase for $10.7 billion. If they gave just 1% of that sum to me instead, I could finally afford to buy cool shit like the 1/4 scale Lady Dimitrescu statue.
On 5 May, the World Health Organisation downgraded COVID-19 from a global health emergency to a pandemic. No, that does not make it any less contagious, so please stop breathing in my direction.
The coronation of Charles III and Camilla as King and Queen of the United Kingdom and its various associates was held on 6 May. When I see the word Queen, I still think of the band. When I see the word King, I still think of the masked pro wrestler from Tekken. I really am not engaged with reality whatsoever, am I?
Eurovision happened, I guess, with Sweden’s Loreen coming out as the eventual winner. You know what? If Eurovision can have Australia as a contestant, I can have Tony Bizarro as part of Europe Now!, now also featuring the talents of Ace of Base and Boney M. I am really fucking excited about this imaginary concert, guys.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0, but what surprises does next month hold…?
June 2023
We begin the month with more political updates, because despite our best intentions, politics continue to happen. On 6 June, the 2023 Kuwaiti general election is held, with a majority of members retaining their seats (the rest would be forced to stand). That same day, the 2023 Guinea-Bissau legislative election is won by the coalition Inclusive Alliance Platform Terra Ranka. I believe this to be a lesser known branch of TerraSave, however I have not yet done the necessary research to confirm this.
I would be remiss to overlook the news story that captivated the world, when on 18 June, the Titan submersible and its crew of five disappeared into the depths of the North Atlantic Ocean. A few days later, it was confirmed that an implosion had destroyed the craft and killed all onboard. It was a harrowing time in the days leading to the grisly discovery as we were reminded of the sheer vastness of the ocean.
Rounding out the month, Kyriakos Mitsotakis was elected the prime minister of Greece on 23 June, Julius Maada Bio was re-elected president of Sierra Leone on 28 June, and Tony Cocking did not receive his Booktopia order on any of the days whatsoever.
Booktopia orders received this month: yet another 0. Back to the drawing board we go!
July 2023
It was a shitty month to be a head of state, with Dutch prime minister Mark Rutte announcing his resignation following a governing coalition collapse on 8 July, and Nigerien president Mohamed Bazoum overthrown in a coup d’état on 26 July. There were also some general elections elsewhere. They seemed a bit more chill.
SAG-AFTRA launched a strike on 14 July in pursuit of fair compensation and regulation of generative AI. As of early September, this strike is still ongoing, because as we all know, corporations are evil and perfectly happy to replace us all with robots.
Me personally, I hope it’s Johnny 5 from Short Circuit who takes my place, as I feel as though his values are most in line with my own.
On 23 July, continued billionaire fuckwit Elon Musk inexplicably rebranded Twitter — one of the most enviably recognisable product names of the modern era — to the painfully generic and unfocussed moniker of X. Alarmingly, this has not yet reversed the fortunes of his corporate annihilation.
Booktopia orders received this month: 0.
August 2023
To kick off the month in style, the world’s oceans reached a new record high temperature of 20.96 °C. As the legendary Jimmy Buffett would pass away just one month later, I guess he smelled those shrimp that were beginning to boil.
The 2023 FIFA Women’s World Cup wrapped up after a wildly successful campaign across Australia and New Zealand. The finale of 20 August saw Spain overcome England, 1-0, by implementing a cunning strategy of falling over repeatedly to milk the clock and protect their lead.
Also on 20 August, Bernardo Arévalo won the Guatemalan presidential election after two rounds of voting. Sounds pleasant! Ten days later, however, incumbent Gabonese president Ali Bongo Ondimba was toppled in a coup d’état shortly after his victory was announced. Sounds less pleasant, perhaps he should have unsent that tweet. Or… X, or whatever the fuck it’s called now.
But of all the shocking news stories, only one will bring about the completion of this article. For you see, in the waning hours of August, my Booktopia order arrived. I would be thrilled, if not for the fact that it fell mere weeks short of taking an entire year. I’m all about that symbolism, you see.
Oh well. Happy Resident Evil month, everyone. I wish you an itchy, tasty September.
Booktopia orders received this month: 1.
At long last, the journey is over. I hope you enjoyed this tour through world events, unless your name is Elon Musk in which case I hope you hated it a lot. Before you go, please consider visiting the links below for ways you can assist people who have been impacted by ongoing tragedies.
UNICEF
- Syria and Türkiye Earthquake
- One Year of War in Ukraine
- Somalia’s Looming Famine
- Pakistan Flood Emergency
- Children’s Emergency Appeal
- Help Children in Afghanistan
- Help Children in Yemen
WWF
Red Cross
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