Hello there, hosers, and welcome to the most Canadian article you’ve ever seen here on EZIYODA. Yep, it’s even more maple flavoured than that time we anointed a team of the most Canadian Pokemon, and twice as decadent, to boot!

In the gaming sphere, Canada is unfortunately something of an overlooked entity. Lacking the razzle dazzle of our American cousins to the south, more often than not, even a robust lineup of characters will be distinctly lacking in Canuck glory.

But fear not! For today, we have dug deep into the archives to share with you 10 video characters who are the very definition of the great white north. It’s the best way to celebrate Canada Day (especially without all of the messy connotations behind the holiday itself, eh?)

Rig

Dead or Alive

We kick things off with this brutish fuckboi, strictly on the basis that I believe an attractive shirtless man will help with readership retention. If you prefer your lads on the thicker side, don’t worry, they’ll be lumbering onto your screen shortly.

Debuting in Dead or Alive 5, this dashing taekwondo practitioner has a past shrouded in mystery. Alleging not to even know his own name, he goes by Rig due to the fact that he works on an oil rig. I like to think that this notion is flexible, and if he were ever to work as a prostitute he would simply take up the name Brothel.

In the proceedings of DoA5, it becomes apparent that Rig is actually a villain, working for Victor Donovan’s MIST organisation. The reason for this is that he is, in fact, Donovan’s own son. At least, that’s what the mind control device implanted in his brain is informing him. Short of a Maury Povich-styled DNA test reveal, we can’t really be sure of their actual relationship.

Rig proves to be one of the better fighters to select, currently sitting at 9th out of DoA5’s 36 characters on the EventHubs tier list. In-universe is another matter entirely, as he canonically gets his ass kicked by Kasumi nearly every time. Maybe he’s distracted by her feet, or something.

…Go on, you know you want to click that link.

Abigail

Street Fighter

Across the first five Street Fighter titles (including the non-numerical entry Alpha), the playable lineup included 14 Japanese fighters, 13 from the States, and even two from a fictional nation known as France. Despite this, the great white north went unnoticed and unloved for nearly 30 years of the seminal fighting franchise’s existence.

It wasn’t until the divisive Street Fighter V that Canada was thrown a bone, and boy oh boy is it a big, meaty bone. Abigail, the former menace of Final Fight’s Mad Gear Gang, makes his way into the ring as the biggest character in the series’ history, dwarfing even the hirsute Hercules Zangief at 8 feet tall.

But Tony, I hear you say, if Abigail was from Final Fight originally, why did you list him here for his Street Fighter cameo? First off, how fucking dare you even think of speaking to me. And second, prior to this point, he had always been billed as a Dutchman.

I’m not 100% sure why they decided to amend him to a Canadian for the purposes of SFV — unless it is legitimately to pop people like me who go apeshit for anything to do with the country — but they doubled down by even styling his hairstyle into a cute little maple leaf.

It was long overdue, but fuck it, it was worth waiting for in the end.

Claudette Morel

Dead by Daylight

Whereas several major gaming franchises are notorious for withholding the maple goods until they’re several iterations in, Dead by Daylight blessed us with a Canadian right from the day it launched. It figures, considering the devs are based in, y’know, Canada, but I’m not about to question their motive.

Claudette Morel has long been the standout for DbD’s healers, boasting a bevy of perks that allow her and her teammates to get patched up (except for Empathy, which effectively lets her better look at wounded people with pity).

An altruistic botanist with crippling anxiety, Claudette is also just genuinely one of the most likeable of the Survivors; about as lawful good as you can get, and a welcome sight for others whenever she loads into a match.

I also suspect that she’d be fast friends with the Resident Evil protagonists, as they have a shared fondness for medicinal herbs. She can detail how the properties of echinacea can boost immune function as well as reduce inflammation, and they can explain how red + green = full health. Science!

Trevor Philips

Grand Theft Auto

If ever there was a gaming character that perfectly distils the themes of their franchise, Trevor Phillips is surely it. Like the Grand Theft Auto series he hails from, Trevor is hectic, violent, thuggish, and mean. He isn’t able to beat a hooker to death with a dildo like Carl Johnson, but you’d swear up and down that he’d be the most likely to give it a shot.

Coming from a troubled background in Canada, Trevor revels in dealing out harm to anyone who rubs him the wrong way. Indeed, he even seems to get off on humiliating others, keen to assert his dominance and receive whatever gratification he can. He clearly eschews the traditional Canadian values of being nice, but you probably surmised that much when you peered at the image above.

With that being said, Trevor is fiercely loyal to those in his limited circle of friends, and will help out his allies in a pinch. In the same way his messed up childhood turned him into such an unhinged individual, it did instil in him a sense of duty and care to the people who deserve it.

Unfortunately for most of us, we are unlikely to be amongst those people. So if you ever see this gruesome customer approaching, your best bet is to take off running in the opposite direction, lest you land a front row seat to witness his depravity.

Wolf Hawkfield

Virtua fighter

For whatever reason, Canadian characters in gaming are often typified as being particularly beefy, and Wolf Hawkfield was one of the low-poly OG’s to kick off this trend in style.

Wolf is a purported gentle giant of First Nations descent, whose pro wrestling style sets him apart from the many strikers on the Virtua Fighter roster. The reason I say purported, is because his pre-battle quotes are actually incredibly mean-spirited. In VF4, he snarls for his opponent to “shut up, just come on”, and in VF5 he even chides that he “can’t ever picture you winning” before laughing a cruel, throaty laugh.

I get it, this is a fighting game and he’s supposed to be intimidating his foes — it just feels drastically out of character for him to be such a meanie. I’m likely overthinking it (or more likely, the writers underthought it at the time).

Tragically, it has been almost two whole decades since Wolf’s last appearance in Virtua Fighter 5. Considering his date of birth was way back in 1966, you’d have to imagine time is running out on his in-ring career. Unless you want to get suplexed by a man who’s old enough to be a grandfather. No judgement if so.

Sasquatch

Darkstalkers

Of all the big, hairy motherfuckers on this list, this is the biggest, the hairiest, and the motherfuckeriest. In Capcom’s fabulous cryptid fighting franchise Darkstalkers, infamous monsters from around the planet duke it out for supremacy of monsterdom itself.

You’ve got all the staples to select from: a mummy from Egypt, a vampire from Romania, a drunk-ass zombie rock star from Australia, and representing Canada, the mighty Sasquatch. He’s a loveable furball whose only priorities in life are the protection of his tribe and the procurement of bananas, acting as the resident big boi on the otherwise lithe and slinky Darkstalkers roster.

As you may anticipate, his moveset is packed with all kinds of freezing techniques, including the ability to summon pillars of ice as a defensive wall. He’s kinda like an enormous facsimile to Primal Rage’s Blizzard, albeit with much less murderous intent. Same fondness for bananas, though.

He has appeared in nearly every game in the series — incidentally, yet another fighting franchise that desperately needs another entry — except for Vampire Savior 2 where he got axed in favour of an alien, a robot, and a tall, handsome man. In return, however, he received top billing in the award-winning mobile titles, Sasquatch Go Home and Sasquatch Go Home 2. Please don’t ask me what award they won, because I made it up.

General Morden

Metal Slug

We go from the snuggliest member of our Canada crew to arguably the least snuggliest. Well, it’s either him or Trevor Philips, so take your pick.

Coming courtesy of the Metal Slug series, Donald Morden is the main antagonist and a man you seriously don’t want to mess with. A one-time member of the heroic Regular Army, the loss of his wife and daughter took him down a path of darkness where he would lead a coup d’état as the commander of the Rebel Army.

Obviously, this is a cheeky bit of business, but you have to admit that he’s a devout family man, and ridiculously good at his job: he captured all of the world’s major cities in the span of 170 hours. Like, dude, that would take me at least four times as long. What a fucking chad.

Alas, he possesses a major weakness to small guerilla units capable of infiltrating his bases and thinning out his ranks. His defeat typically ends up with him in his undies, either to rub it in, or as a suggestion that he should perhaps take up a new life as a stripper.

As with most villains, he is ultimately doomed to fail. But you’d best believe he’ll do it with as much bombast and combustibility as one dictator can muster.

Candy Cane

Rumble Roses

If you were a teenager in the mid-2000s, it’s likely that the unique pro wrestling game Rumble Roses came across your radar. Technically, you could claim that it’s because it features the dependable Yuke’s engine of WWE SmackDown! fame, though it’s much more likely due to its preponderance of gratuitous polygonal casabas. Aka: there’s lots of boobies.

Candy Cane is one of the most noteworthy and notorious from the Rumble Roses lineup, as a literal naughty schoolgirl who resembles a mashup of every punk trope you could throw together. A choker and a necklace at the same time? Girl, you’ve got the busiest neck I’ve ever seen.

Despite being listed as one of the dastardly Heels, her motive for entering this tournament is to invest the prize money to save her childhood orphanage from shutting down. It’s hardly a Nick Bockwinkel-level backstory, but if she’s still too rough around the edges for your bland tastes, there’s also a Babyface alternate available in the form of Becky.

She’s basically a blonde version of Candy Cane who enjoys her studies and became a cheerleader. The implications of this, I guess, are that red hair and an interest in music are inherently evil. I certainly don’t trust Becky, as she gives off some serious Kerwin White vibes.

Maxima

King of Fighters

If you’re looking for the perfect antithesis to Candy Cane, you may well have found it here. Maxima is not a naughty schoolgirl whatsoever. No, he is a very good schoolgirl — the best, in fact.

Literally added to the King of Fighters lineup to inject a “somber and reliable middle-aged character” as a juxtaposition against all of the wild youngin’s, Maxima is about as no-frills as they come. Even the official interview on SNK’s official King of Fighters XV website paints him as a square, with him disinterested by the other fighters due to his extensive database. Wow, neat answer, Mr. Killjoy.

Fortunately, Maxima is much more interesting once he’s on the battlefield, equipped with a cybernetic suit that offers both offensive and defensive prowess in equal measure. His closest comparison would likely be Mortal Kombat’s Jax, with his impressive striking techniques and background as a police officer.

He’s also known to throw in some suplexes for good measure, leading me to believe that every fictional Canadian character has mandatory training in professional wrestling. If that was the case, it’s almost a foregone conclusion that Maxima would have studied at Storm Wrestling Academy; a place where he could finally find a worthy rival in seriousness.

Bear Hugger

Punch-Out!!

Owing to their usual settings in fictional realms, Nintendo games don’t feature many Canadians as a rule. But they’re out there alright, and it will not take you long to find the most famous member of this exclusive club.

First appearing in the 1984 arcade sequel, Super Punch-Out!!, this southpaw from Salmon Arm would hit the big time when he landed on the SNES home console title of the same name. Don’t let the fact that he’s the second opponent after the flailing Gabby Jay fool you, Bear Hugger will prove a serious challenge if you aren’t ready to adapt to his unique mechanics.

Punching him in the belly will only result in mockery, and to receive his dreaded two-handed punch is to suffer a swift defeat. Just sock him a few times in the mug and he’ll go down soon enough. Who’s laughing now, beardo? Me, that’s who. PIZZA CAKE!

He was one of the few SNES combatants to be brought back for the glorious Wii entry, where his boneheaded personality was unleashed for the world to see. He guzzles maple syrup, spars with grizzlies, and befriends a small squirrel — enough to make him the most Canadian character in video game history, and a worthy final entry for this list.

For further reading, I encourage you to peruse the Punch-Out!! wiki, where someone has painstakingly tallied up Bear Hugger’s multiple boxing infractions. In case you were wondering, yes, the squirrel in his toque is considered an illegal advantage.