One thing you’ve got to say for the Super Smash Bros series is that its titles are rather appropriate. The GameCube and Wii entries, Melee and Brawl, did indeed feel like those kinds of escalating battles. Smash Bros. for Wii U and 3DS were… well, for the Wii U and 3DS platforms. I hate those titles, but I can’t argue against their accuracy.

As for the latest edition, Super Smash Bros Ultimate on the Switch, how could it be considered anything but the ultimate? For the first time in a long time, I was not left wanting for anything in a Smash game — with long overdue combatants entering the fray such as Ridley or Simon Belmont, as well as the return of beloved fighters who were previously dropped, a la Solid Snake and the Ice Climbers.

While I am of course salivating at the notion of the next Smash game on the eventual Switch successor, I would actually be fine with a repackaged Ultimate that keeps the mechanics intact, and just adds more content. It sounds like a sacrilegious notion, until you recognise that the bestselling game on the Switch (Mario Kart 8 Deluxe) is indeed, a fucking port.

I’ve already reeled off some of the musical pieces that I want to make their grand Smash debut. But today, I’m tackling the big question on everyone’s mind… who would I most want to see in the next Super Smash Bros?

We’ve had a Melee, and we’ve had a Brawl… now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for an all-out Kerfuffle.

Dixie Kong

Donkey Kong

Landing King K. Rool in Ultimate was a huge win for Donkey Kong fans. The tyrannical reptilian is not only the big bad of the series, but also one who we hadn’t seen in a game for far too long. Even then, there is someone even more deserving who arguably should have been included since Smash 4.

I’m referring of course to Dixie Kong, the cheerful chimp of Donkey Kong Country 2 fame. Coming right out of the gates, she had her boyfriend Diddy trumped in many ways, with her vaunted gliding ability that came courtesy of her long, flowing ponytail. Speed runners now recognise that Diddy’s superior foot speed often makes him the better option for long stretches of gameplay, but back in the 90s when the notion of speed running was largely foreign, we were convinced: big hair make girl monkey better.

Using this ponytail would give Dixie a wealth of options for traversing stages in Smash as well as a unique hitbox not unlike a sword user. Her gum ball pop gun makes for an obvious projectile, but for a somewhat deeper cut, her Final Smash could involve whipping out the bongo jetpack from Donkey Kong Barrel Blast. It might be similar to Diddy’s Hyper Rocketbarrel, but ultimately more hilarious because it evokes memories of everyone’s least favourite DK game.

Edelgard

Fire Emblem

As a devout follower of my lord and saviour Dimitri from the Blue Lions, this suggestion is akin to treason. But even I can recognise that of Fódlan’s three house leaders, Edelgard von Hresvelg is the one who stood out the most.

Edelgard is an ambitious, calculating woman with a hidden agenda fuelled by her nefarious ego. That’s a whole lot of nothing adjectives, but it goes to say that she is an intriguing protagonist amongst the Nintendo echelons due to her morally grey motivations. Unlike the vast majority of Fire Emblem heroes, her weapon of choice is an axe — something that outside of the Belmonts’ neutral special, we are desperately lacking in Smash Bros.

Were I being super zany with my picks, I would elect to include Dimitri and Claude in this spot as well, with the three alternating at the press of a button in a fashion not dissimilar to the Pokemon Trainer. Their shared Emblem in Engage does lend credence to this idea, but outside of that it wouldn’t really make sense for this trio of rivals.

Alas, the Three Houses ship has all but sailed now, with the next Smash Bros almost certainly eying Alear or whoever else comes next. That being said, if we end up losing fighters, I’d be down for swapping Byleth out for Edelgard, because Byleth is dull as dog shit, dude.

Louie & Shepherd

Pikmin

These characters may seem an uninspired choice for many, but it makes a whole lot of sense in my noggin.

As of Smash 4, Captain Olimar was offered a costume alternate character in the form of Alph from Pikmin 3. In case you’re unfamiliar, these characters offer only aesthetic differences from their base form, including alternate models and voice work. They’re an awesome way to stash functionally similar characters, and in the Pikmin franchise, there are a few more noteworthy spacefarers who could be utilised in this manner.

Considering that the playable protagonist of Pikmin 4 is a customisable template, they obviously wouldn’t make much sense — fortunately there are plenty of charismatic NPCs in the Rescue Corps who better fit the bill, such as the captain, Erma Shepherd. She is courageous and personable, whereas my other desired character… is not.

Since his debut in Pikmin 2, Louie has been a thorn in the side of everyone he works with. He’s a gluttonous slack ass piece of shit, and no doubt he would be quite satisfying to bludgeon with the various weapons of Smash Bros. The fact that he was overlooked in favour of Alph (who is newer, shinier, and much less assholier) makes sense, but it’s still a bit of a shame. Give me Louie, Sakurai, and let me kick his fucking ass.

Ninten

Mother

One of my most selfish wish list requests, Ninten is as forgotten a Nintendo protagonist as you could get from an otherwise noteworthy franchise.

He’s the original psychic boy wonder, whose 1989 romp through America left an indelible effect on those lucky enough to play it at the time. Unfortunately, the SNES sequel effectively usurped its predecessor in both narrative and visual design, shedding Ninten for Ness as if the former never even existed.

Because of their strikingly similar appearances, I have long felt as though Ninten’s best chance at a Smash comeback could only be as an alternate costume fighter, similar to Louie and Shepherd above. Change the shirt colour, chuck on a bandana because that’s the only unofficial detail that differentiates the two, and away you go, Ninten’s memory is honoured. Right?

Not exactly. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that Ninten has a small but significant gameplay aspect unlike Ness or Lucas; he has no offensive PSI abilities whatsoever. Considering how these attacks make up so much of Ness’ Smash arsenal, a simple re-skin would perhaps be disingenuous. That’s why I’m thinking we could use him as an Echo Fighter, instead.

Ninten’s whole gimmick is that he boosts the power of his colleagues through support magic, which doesn’t translate so well to Smash. But if you integrated such qualities into his newly inherited PSI attacks — boosting his stats upon connecting, or something of that nature — you could make him unique and interesting. Let me remind you, after all, that Ness has been aping his other party members’ PK tricks since the first Smash Bros on the N64.

Krystal

Star Fox

As a character, Krystal could be considered fairly divisive to the Star Fox community. To many, she represents the descent of the series’ narrative — from low stakes action romp to schmaltzy melodrama, coming to a head with all the grace of a pimple in Star Fox Command.

Nobody was particularly sad to see her retconned (for now) with Star Fox Zero, but that’s not necessarily her fault. She was done a major disservice when Dinosaur Planet was adorned with the Star Fox branding, all but pushing her out of her own game. And let’s not even mention poor old Sabre.

But if you go back to basics, what you have with Krystal is a sassy staff wielder, which makes her a bit different from your average sword-wielding pretty boy. The way Star Fox Adventures chained together such beautifully animated attacks makes me think that Krystal could have fabulous combo potential in Smash Bros, restoring her to her former glory and offering a chance for her to re-enter the Lylat canon.

Failing this, I want the Shogun Warlord from Star Fox 64, specifically so that his taunt can involve him shouting “cocky little freaks!”

Mike Jones

StarTropics

I’ve been playing it safe so far with this list, anointing only characters who have at least a passable chance at becoming Smashers. I’d be excited for any of them, but I’d lose my shit if Sakurai revived Mike fucking Jones from StarTropics.

A switch-hopping dweeb from Seattle, Mike Jones is a true B-grade protagonist in the Nintendo echelons — if even that. His games were ambitious (if not infuriating) dungeon crawlers akin to The Legend of Zelda, albeit with a splash of Americana. In them, Mike wielded tools ranging from baseball bats to yo-yos and what look to me like anal beads. Sound familiar? It should, because it’s exactly the kind of thing the Mother franchise also attempted for the JRPG genre. Except for the anal beads.

Nintendo kept trying to find a way to galvanise western markets back then, particularly when his personality was expanded in the sequel, Zoda’s Revenge. By now he was more of a try-hard than an icon, but in an era where most of gaming’s lead characters were either stern meatheads or completely mute, he at least tried in the first place.

I sincerely doubt that we’ll ever see his games make a proper return, but at the very least, a Smash Bros revival isn’t too farfetched. He’s got a wide arsenal of weapons at his disposal, and for his Final Smash, he could dip his opponents in water, revealing a code that they would otherwise be unable to progress without. Too abstract? Yeah, I reckon so, too.

Annihilape

Pokemon

Depending on when the next Smash Bros comes out, it’s quite likely that the door has already closed on Scarlet and Violet’s opportunity for a roster spot. Should it land in the gap between generations 9 and 10, however, that would allow Paldea a look-in.

Obviously, one of the starting Pokemon is the obvious choice, but as I’ve mentioned before, I really hate it when that happens. It suggests that the other starters are therefore inferior. I sure as hell don’t want those stupid lizard bikes getting an unearned berth in Smash either, so my pick would be the Pokemon I found to be the most interesting from both a gameplay and aesthetic perspective.

Annihilape is effectively a Primeape that got so angry, it fucking died. This results in a Fighting/Ghost hybrid that looks like a dead ringer for the Pokemon universe’s version of a Karen. Its signature move is the Rage Fist, a punch that increases in power the more that it has been hit. For a Smash Bros gimmick, you could easily merge Lucario’s Aura with Donkey Kong’s Giant Punch, gifting Annihilape with a special move that charges up in strength the more it gets pummelled, and then resets upon usage.

The other alternative options for Paldean Pokemon aren’t too bad, I guess. Tinkaton is quite popular, and Ogerpon’s various masks could change up its playstyle on the fly. Neither of them can reasonably claim that they are a dead monkey with anger issues, however, which makes them lesser options in my book.

Jill Valentine

Resident Evil

We’ve gotten this far without even mentioning a single guest character, so let’s tend to the matter with my favourite Resident Evil protagonist. Allow me to introduce you to the master of unlocking herself, Jill Valentine.

Once upon a time, the notion of a Biohazard character appearing in Smash was a pipe dream so improbable, the pipe was decommissioned. As time has gone on, we’ve edged closer and closer to such an idea, from Snake in Brawl, to Bayonetta in Smash 4, to Joker in Ultimate. For his neutral special, he wields a fucking gun.

Now, firearms are present in the Smash universe, and Resident Evil is, too: in 2019, Ultimate ran the Oust Resident Evil event, with a range of collectible spirits including Leon Kennedy, Chris Redfield, and everyone’s favourite Jill sandwich.

To make it clear, I stand by my Resident Evil character rankings, in which I opined that Chris was the de facto lead, while Leon serves as the bishonen face of the franchise. But Jill remains iconic. Her S.T.A.R.S. uniform stands out much more than any other outfit, and it was perhaps for this reason that she was the first one chosen to join the mayhem of Marvel vs. Capcom.

I’m not suggesting she be quite as unhinged as that particular interpretation — who was known for summoning zombies and pulling out comically large grenade launchers — but you could at least integrate Nemesis into her Final Smash for a similar flavour.

Crash Bandicoot

Crash Bandicoot

One thing I have long adored about the addition of guest characters is that it allows an opportunity for the industry’s icons to truly go head-to-head, whether it be Mario vs Sonic, Link vs Cloud, or Kramer vs Kramer.

With that being said, there are few company mascots as conspicuous in their absence as Crash Bandicoot, Sony’s mid-90s attempt to wrest away a piece of the platforming pie. Unlike other PlayStation attempts at competing against Mario such as Croc or Bubsy, Crash’s design philosophy was cleverly funnelled into more contained environments. Combined with his kinetic personality, Crash games were memorable in this manner, and seeing him land in Smash would be supremely gratifying.

As dubious a proposition as it sounds for Sony to gift their hitherto poster boy to longtime rivals, Crash has actually been slutting it up on Nintendo platforms since The Wrath of Cortex in 2001. Even the original PS1 classics are now playable on the Switch courtesy of the N. Sane Trilogy, which surely would have blown our minds once upon a time.

Not only is Crash no longer under the care of its original developers Naughty Dog, but Sony have long since shifted their image towards more mature icons in the style of Kratos or Ellie from The Last of Us (the latter of whom, of course, comes from said Crash developers). So there’s no reason to be quite so precious with his legacy, and all the reason to pay homage to the lofty position he once held.

Master Chief

Halo

At this point, this is surely the most implausible suggestion I’ve got on this list (pending later edits where I throw in Trevor Philips or Bob Saget).

In the same vein as Crash, Master Chief represented the Microsoft brand back when they were a fledgling competitor in their early console days. Halo remains more of a key component in 2024 than Crash, but Microsoft are far more chummy with Nintendo than Sony, which helps alleviate the issue somewhat.

Halo is by its very nature a violent and gritty franchise, but it bears repeating that Resident Evil — with its ravenous zombies and occasional decapitations — were present as spirits in Ultimate. The Smash formula has evolved from a celebration of Nintendo to a celebration of gaming itself, in all its various forms.

Snake’s wacky arsenal of weapons paved the way for a gunslinger like Master Chief a long time ago, so pulling the trigger (literally and figuratively) isn’t quite so unpalatable nowadays. Put simply, companies loaning out their heroes for Smash behooves both parties, and even more so, the greater gaming community. That’s exactly what makes Ultimate so ultimate.