As part of my ongoing mission to partake in all that the Biohazard franchise has to offer, I most recently commenced the Resident Evil Outbreak titles.

To longtime fans, these entries are a cherished part of the overarching zombified tapestry, offering a unique change of pace by teaming you up with up to three allies. In theory, you would work collaboratively to explore and ultimately escape each mission, shrieking and giggling the whole time.

In practice, however, the servers shut down nearly 20 years ago once the PlayStation 3 hit the scene, leaving players with no official way to connect with other survivors. What is left is a pair of games that are a shell of their former selves, absent of their greatest selling point and instead lumping you with two AI allies that could be generously described as bumbling.

So yes, I have been taking my experience with a grain of salt, fully cognisant that it was only intended to be played this way as a last resort. With all of this being said, however, I am resolute that with two people, four people, or nine thousand people, there is no way to make the motherfucking giant leech boss any fun at all.

First, some context. The third scenario, set in Raccoon General Hospital, has you being pursued by a ravenous, man-shaped leech monster. After felling the foe, you take to the sewers to make your escape, only to be confronted by the stage’s final boss, another leech.

Say what you will about its simplistic design and the fact that we had already dealt with enough leeches across the course of Resident Evil Zero, it is at least an appropriate creature for the t-Virus era.

The gimmick here is that the leech will pursue you through the sewer canal, and your options are to riddle it with gunfire, pelt the pipe vents above to hit it with hot steam, or coax it to the end of the tunnel to blow up a gas can and finish it off.

On paper, this is a perfectly fine Resident Evil boss. It gives you various tactics to pursue, while it responds with either ranged attacks or a full-body slam depending on your proximity. Unfortunately, the delivery is what makes this whole encounter so egregiously vexing.

Despite being a massive, blood-sucking monster, the giant leech is in fact one of the most passive enemies in the franchise, boss or otherwise. Unless you are within its range, it won’t even bother coming after you, and will merely idle until you re-engage it. Shooting it will enrage it for a brief period of time, however the murky waters make it tricky to discern when you are even connecting with your bullets. It might rear up and charge, or it might just sit there like a fucking asshole, prompting you to come hither.

Once you’re close enough to actually fire upon it, the leech will spring into action. If you are directly upon it, it will ram into you for hefty damage, knocking you off your feet for a moment. Take a few steps back, and it will rain down a trio of poisonous puddles, the effects of which I surely don’t have to explain. Its most problematic technique is its tentacle strike, where it will telegraph the incoming blow with a brief series of bubbles before it comes shooting out from below the water — once again, sending you tumbling into the scuzz.

As a product of the early- to mid-2000s, Outbreak does not exactly control like a dream, so even if you see the tentacles coming from a mile away, you may end up careening into them anyway. Unless you are one of the survivors equipped with a dodge, you are likely going to soak up that sting time and time again, slowing down the process while you wait for your gobsmacked character to pick themselves back up.

When the best strategy is to lure the foe into a stage hazard such as the vents, you’d appreciate if simply getting it to move wasn’t so taxing. As an aside, the aiming of this era isn’t great either, so managing to place and time your upward attacks accurately is a crapshoot as a result of crap shooting.

It’s slow, it’s annoying, and in the biggest crime of all, it is distinctly un-fun to experience. The oversized bat of Zero cops a lot of flack for its constant swooping and darting about. The T-078 of Code: Veronica is such a bullet sponge, poor preparation can actually soft-lock you out of progression. These are undoubtedly poorly designed bosses, levying a challenge that is disproportionate to how the games’ mechanics allow you to overcome the odds.

But at least you feel like you’re fighting something. The giant leech battle is little more than an escort quest with a particularly uncooperative dance partner. Whether or not you struggle to take its slimy ass out, you won’t walk away with a sense of accomplishment; just relief that the tepid brouhaha is finally at an end.

I would be lying if I said I’ve enjoyed the Outbreak duology of games, and the blame cannot solely be placed on the unavailable multiplayer function. My more pressing issue is that it constantly throws hurdles at you that are just blatantly unenjoyable, with its bosses being the biggest culprit.

The giant leech isn’t thrilling, satisfying, or even unique. It’s just fucking there, and for that I will never forgive it.